why is it so hard to forget him? why is it so hard to move on from our memories? it’s hard trying, or pretending, not to love him anymore. i ask myself under the pale moonlight since the night i left.
maybe it’s because, for years, we shared our dreams. i still remember his biggest dream, and i still whisper a prayer for it. i remember his favorite things, his love to weapon, his favorite survival game, the songs he loved in 2018 and 2020, his love for music, from guitar to saxophone. and then i realized, he has changed. he’s become an even better version of himself. and somehow, i adore him even more. every version of him, every corner of his growing mind.
he’s changed in many ways, the way he looks at weapons, the way he sees love. and maybe it’s hard to accept that, because in my heart he’s still that boy from four or maybe seven years ago, with a fragile soul, an innocent heart that loved so purely, and a restless, curious mind. when i remember that, i just want to hold him close, to cradle the wounds that made him this strong. i still see the softer version of him, the one that makes me admire him again and again.
maybe this rough world has changed him. but still, i don’t know why—i love him. maybe what makes it hardest is his kindness, his prayers for me, his quiet belief in my dreams. and i’m glad that his dream to fly still lives within him. i pray he reaches it. awan.
maybe i’m just lost between the old him and the new him. but one thing i know, he’s still the one who made me feel seen, heard, and softly accepted. did he ever realize how easily we clicked? oh, to be loved is to be seen.
and here i am, still calling him, awan.
1 tahun 2 bulan sejak dia bilang kita "sementara lepas dahulu". 6 bulan sejak kita lost contact di akun ketigaku, untuk kesekian kali. and i'm still here, sering sekali denial. semakin besar usahaku buat move, semakin berat perjalanan dan semakin keras pula rasa denialku. fase anger, denial, acceptance selalu dateng tanpa diminta, tanpa aba-aba, bergantian dan ga selesai-selesai. but that's okay? the fact that dia memang salah satu orang yang paling lama dan berperan banyak dalam roalercoster kehidupanku. he still him with his kind, soft, and lovely heart. walaupun caranya mungkin pernah ga sesuai dengan pemikiranku, dan dengan seribu satu kekurangannya.
psikolog said orang butuh 6 bulan sampai 2 tahun untuk move on, sekarang baru berapa bulan? ditambah he's one of my friend since orok, mungkin kita ngga pernah bernama. tapi perasaan itu benar ada dan dalam sekali rasanya. masih sering nangis? gapapaa, akan aku cintai dia sampai aku lelah, bosan, dan habis perasaannya karena tidak pernah berbalas. tapi aku juga mau sembuh, besok kita pergi ke psikolog yaa? kita koreksi lagi pemikiran mana yang harus diubah, dipertahankan, atau disesuaikan.
one thing, why i still attach on him?, mungkin karena dia bisa membuat aku merasa dilihat. salah satu hal yang ayahku kurang bisa berikan waktu aku kecil. ya namanya juga baru pertama kali jadi orang tua yaaa? oh dalam usaha to move from him satu tahun ini, sedikit banyak membuka luka-luka masa kacilku yang memang dengan sadar ingin aku sembuhkan juga. so dengan adanya semua ini, i also thanks to him.
awan, kamu boleh ragu, karena kamupun seperti manusia pada umumnya. tapi, berjanjilah kamu akan tetap melangkah walau rasa ragu memenuhi hatimu. doa-doaku, dengan senang hati menyertai langkah yang aku pun tidak tahu kemana tujuannya itu.
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